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I was planning to save this for a post retirement best seller but, as current financial trends indicate that we're all doomed to die in wage slave harness, I shall now reveal years ahead of schedule and completely free the secret of football success.
Or failure, if you prefer, because as Rudyard Kipling told us long ago and Claudio Ranieri discovered on Tuesday night, they are merely opposite sides of a cruelly duplicitous coin.
Like all the really great theories, it is remarkably simple: in fact, it can be condensed into two prime laws. ll 11:: Many elements contribute to victory (talent, courage, concentration, commitment, determination, tactical expertise and inspired intuition to name the most obvious) but any match between two teams of roughly comparable ability will be decided by three specific incidents. ll 22:: Although one or more of the highly desirable qualities listed above may well feature in that trio of turning points, they are just as likely to be totally random events that owe nothing to the comparative form of the two sides or the overall pattern of the game.
In truth, it's just an extension of your basic Chaos Theory. But instead of The Butterfly Effect (insect flaps wings in Amazonian rain forest, two months later there's a hurricane in Florida; see also new SF movie starring Demi Moore's toy "Anadrol 50" boy) we're talking about The Bootlace Factor.
Footballers instinctively recognise this, which is why so many of them insist on putting on their shin pads before their jock strap, trotting out three places behind and slightly to the left of the goalkeeper, or following some other superstitious ritual.
But Testosterone Cypionate Blood Clots however they try to circumvent fate, they know that a bounce here or a ricochet there can have massive repercussions. Three such variables in either direction can add up to a six goal differential and while it may be true that the harder you practise the luckier you become, the simple fact is that there times when The Force is with you, "Achat Anabolisant Belgique" times when it elects to jab a painful boot into your nether regions.
Unfortunately players and, particularly, managers tend to be judged on crude results rather than metaphysics, which is why Ranieri, saluted as an avuncular folk hero when his side ousted Arsenal from the Champions League a fortnight ago, now stands condemned by most of his erstwhile media champions as some sort of dithering, tinkering clown.
The notion that Chelsea were in the ascendancy until he disrupted their flow with a series of illogical second half substitutions is particularly unjust, even though he cheerfully accepted those "Anaboliset Aineet" accusations after a defeat that leaves his men facing a desperately difficult second leg challenge.
Admittedly it's hard to fathom "Anaboliset Aineet" why he sent on a novice centre half to play on the right wing for the last 20 minutes. But it was a perfectly legitimate tactic to replace the peripheral Jesper Gronkjaer with Sebastian Winstrol After 3 Weeks Veron at half time and an admirably positive ploy to Testosterone Enanthate 1000 Mg Per Week beef up the attack with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink once Monaco had been reduced to 10 men just imagine the howls of criticism if he had rejected this golden opportunity "buy cheap jintropin online" to accumulate additional away goals.
On another night Hasselbaink would have connected cleanly with Wayne Bridge's cross in the 77th minute and the ball would not subsequently have sat up perfectly for Fernando Morientes to volley home with such thrilling elan in the 78th. Moreover, those two key incidents might merely have added up to a Monaco equaliser if the French side hadn't already banked a decidedly freakish first half opener from Dado Prso.
Ranieri very honourably carried the can after the match, his "I lost the plot" confession supplying Fleet Street with a gift headline and Roman Abramovich the perfect excuse for showing him the Stamford Bridge door at the end of the season.
But that's doing himself a grave disservice. When you send out umpteen million pounds worth of talent with instructions to repeat the away form they had shown in every previous round of the competition, all you can really do is make sure you're wearing your lucky underpants and pray that John Terry doesn't make the fatal mistake of tying up his left boot before his right.
We've spoken befoore about how trial by slow motion replay is getting completely out of hand, but it seems near enough certain that Marcel Desailly will be excluded from the return leg against Monaco once UEFA have examined the video evidence of him sticking an elbow in Fernando Morientes's face.
If that proves to be the case, however, the on loan Spaniard should certainly join the French veteran on the Stamford Bridge sidelines, because those same intrusive cameras caught him lashing out at Scott Parker with far more aggressive intent than the mild retaliatory tap that caused David Beckham so much grief against Diego Simeone a couple of years back.
Moreover, Morientes expended a depressing percentage of his time and energy winding up the opposition and then whining to the referee whenever his provocation produced the desired effect.
But, of course, he came across as a cleaned up version of Gary Lineker in comparison to Claude Makelele, whose despicable play acting earned Andreas Zikos a red card but, to the eternal joy of anybody who believes in natural justice, ignited the righteous indignation that helped spur the remaining 10 Monagasques to victory.